had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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