jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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