i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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