3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
