if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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