She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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