If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
