We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
last night I used snow as a chaser
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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