arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
