My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
