Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
