I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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