vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
