u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
