I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
