When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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