where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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