Midget sex pt 2 tonight
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
