just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
