I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
