you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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