just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
