Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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