Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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