This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
