So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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