What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
