Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
