Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
