I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
