I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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