I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Everything about him screamed your future.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
