I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
