He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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