hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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