Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
