You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
