Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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