Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
