i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
you never un-have a 4some
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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