Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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