Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
