Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
