that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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