I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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