cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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