You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
