If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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