i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
