I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
