My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
