I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
