You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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