Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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