STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
