Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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